In slightly less ridiculous news, I have just this evening (or last night, rather, as it is after midnight now) finished a new story. I have particular spot in mind for it, but if they don’t want it I’ll start shopping it around. I rather like it. Here is a piece.

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My metal companion spoke, breaking hours of silently trudging through this snowy hellscape.

“The birds have gone,” said Carson-5, its voice box crackling. Icicles shivered with the echo. The machine came to a stop with a hiss of hydraulics. Steam rose from the snow where its oval-shaped feet came to rest. Dull and grey, Carson-5 measured ten feet to the top of its cube head, little more than a vocal speaker and pair of antennae. Broad shoulders supported long, thick arms that ended in modular stumps equipped via a backpack cargo pod. The torso narrowed sharply before flaring into wide hips and a pair of segmented legs. Carson-5 was a standard scout and exploration unit, built to withstand any environment and keep its human masters alive. It wasn’t one of the kill-and-detain Yeager-7s most bounty hunters pal around with, but I got a great deal on this one during my last trip to Earth – this particular Carson had failed two previous owners.

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April 1, 2010

Fans of dark urban humor fantasy won’t want to miss “This is How You Pronounce Ichor” the new nerdcore-style spoken word album from acclaimed author Alexander Burns.

When the music first begins to creep into you, it’s almost unrecognizable. But something deep and dark lurks within the album.

The first whispers of My Other Best Friend is a Derleth lull a listener into a false sense of calm before hammering at the psyche with noisome chords and abject terrors so palpable that it’s impossible to stop the CD without going insane…and yet one isn’t sure that finishing it will ensure sanity, either.

The album is an emotional journey – the eldritch Internet gibbers of O’R'lyeh may leave you a slobbering mess, but the achingly touching The Rats in the Walls (of Love) will rescue even the most heard-hearted souls. And the poignant rants found in Sorry, I’m More of a Shoggoth Person display remarkable insight into human relationships to which anyone can relate. Favored among these offices is Tentacles Hide the Tears, a wrenching tale of heartbreak and revenge in 19th century Texas.

“It’s an incredible foray into Yog-sothery,” stated actor and writer Wil Wheaton. “I’ll be surprised if the world survives the onslaught. It’s like if Henry Rollins had a love child with the Necronomicon, and then that kid got stood up for a blind date at the Innsmouth Cafe, went home and got drunk.”

Look for Mr. Burns this summer on tour with musician Jonathan Coulton.

So yeah, exciting stuff. Keep an eye out here for more information on tour dates, and the album itself will be available via iTunes and other fine retailers next week. Merchandise is available now!

Coincidence?

Or conspiracy?

Said Mr. Burns at the announcement briefing, “I can only hope that this book will shed some light on this serious problem. The problem of dinosaurs eating all our pizza.”

“I think it’s a remarkable piece of work,” said Neil Gaiman, whose HarperCollins-published “The Graveyard Book” won the 2009 John Newbery Medal. “Very much a fantasy a young child can identify with.”

When asked about the inspiration for the work, Mr. Burns replied, “Uh, I don’t really remember. I wrote it when I was like nine. Mrs. Mitchell, my fourth grade teacher, liked it, though.”

“We’re very excited to begin this relationship with such a fresh voice,” said Susan Katz, President and Publisher of HarperCollins Children’s Books. “I’m well aware of the outcry concerning young boys and pizza. We feel like this is an important step forward for a topic largely kept out of the public eye.”

Illustrations for the book are expected to be produced by renowned French illustrator Françoise Mouly.

HarperCollins will publish the audio edition of the book on CD and digital download simultaneous with the hardcover publication.